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Orion Bus

By Orion Bus
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captaintrolley

captaintrolley

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Posted

50th Anniversary......

A couple were celebrating 50 years together.. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

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cmc12

cmc12

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A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 a.m. The next day at 8:45 a.m., there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says: "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

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Buurin

Buurin

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A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 a.m. The next day at 8:45 a.m., there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says: "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

B)

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was taking a pee and this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened....you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

Source: http://geoffhunt.ca/web/cgi-bin/forwards.c...ons&order=1

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* Mr. Black *

* Mr. Black *

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Ihope no one minds a Newfie joke...

Newfie wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Newfie says? "Da's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Newfie.

"Fair enough," says the boss suspiciously, "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Newfie stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "D'ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty-tree, and dirty-tree, plus dirty-tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's actually going to have to hire this Newfie , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Newfie stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Newfie leans forward patiently and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along, see, and poop'd by each tree.

So now .......you got dirty-tree and a turd, dirty-tree and a turd, plus dirty-tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

The Newfie is the new supervisor

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captaintrolley

captaintrolley

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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a

Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a candy apple.

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* Mr. Black *

* Mr. Black *

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SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes..

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captaintrolley

captaintrolley

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Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,

there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door

and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions

no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,

banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet..

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

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captaintrolley

captaintrolley

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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said,

'You have been a good cat all these years.

Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said,

'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors.

I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

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captaintrolley

captaintrolley

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3 Nuns at a Ball Game

Three nuns were attending a Yankee baseball game. Three men were sitting directly behind them, and because the habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to heckle the nuns, hoping that the nuns would get anoyed enough to move to another area.

In a loud voice the first guy said, "I think I'll move to Utah - there are only 100 nuns living there".

Then the second guy spoke up and said loudly. "I think I'l move to Montana - there are only 50 nuns living there".

The third guy yelled, "I want to go to Idaho - there are only 25 nuns living there".

The Mother Superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don't you all go to Hell - there aren't any nuns there".

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* Mr. Black *

* Mr. Black *

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A 7yr old and a 4yr old are upstairs in their bedroom. " you know what?" says 7yr old " i think its time we started swearing. when we go down for breakfast i'll swear first then you" . "ok" says 4yr old. mum asks 7yr old what he wants for breakfast "i'll have coco-pops bitch" WHACK, he flew out his chair crying his eyes out. mum looked at 4yr old and says sternly " and what do you want for breakfast?". " i dont know " he blubbers " but it wont be fucking coco-pops"

=======

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking ...of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted.

=======

One day a young girl came running downstairs wearing a see through shirt. Her grandma said "Sweetheart why don't you put on a decent shirt you are such a pretty girl. The granddaughter replied "Oh Gram everyone shows off their rosebuds nowadays". The next day the girl was having company and there was Grandma in the living room with her shirt off. The girl exclaims "Gram what are you doing?!" Grandma replied "If you can show off your rosebuds I can display my hanging baskets.

=======

A 50ish woman is home, NAKED, happily jumping on her bed & squealing with delight. Husband watches & asks "Do u have any idea how ridiculous u look? What's the matter with u?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed & says, "I don't care what u think. I just had a mammogram, & the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year-old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied.

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TDE

TDE

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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying,

"All of you sons of bitches, who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches, who are getting on, get your asses on the train.... 'Cause we're going down the tracks". The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train ... but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say ... "All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.

She heard her little darling continue...

"For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

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Downsview 108

Downsview 108

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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking ...of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted.

:) ^10

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translink fan

translink fan

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Posted
SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes..

:) Thats tooooo good XD

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captaintrolley

captaintrolley

Posted
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Newfie Password

The Bank of Montreal was running a recent Password Audit and found Stevie

O'Toole from Conception Bay ( Newfoundland ) using the following password:

MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBugsElmerPlutoOttawa

When Stevie was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, 'Lard

t'underin geesus! Are yez blind er' stupid? I wuz told me password had to be

at least 8 characters long wit' one capital ''

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* Mr. Black *

* Mr. Black *

Posted
Posted

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and didn't answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea

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* Mr. Black *

* Mr. Black *

Posted
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A little girl was having a tea party with her daddy, she brought him a little cup of "tea" (water of course). After several cups of tea , her Mom came home, Dad made her mom stay in the living room to watch the little girl bring him a cup of tea, Mom waited, and sure enough, here comes the little girl, down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then the mom says "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet?

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