Jokes!!

[captaintrolley]

Warning: This joke is rated PG.

A nun and a priest were riding across the desert on a camel when the camel suddenly up and died. The nun and the priest, slightly bewildered, looked around and wondered what to do next.

Finally the priest said " We'll never make it out of here alive, we'll last a day or two at best. I've been a priest all my life and I've never seen a woman's breasts. Considering the circumstances, could I please see yours?"

"Certainly" said the nun, lifting her habit way up exposing firm rounded breasts. "Father" she replied "I've been a nun all my life and I've never seen a man's penis, do you mind if I see yours?"

"Not at all" he smiled and dropped his drawers exposing a normal looking specimen. The nun looked at it with eyes full of wonder and amazement. The priest said, "Go ahead and touch it..."

The nun obliged and the Father's penis grew mighty in size right before her eyes. The priest said lovingly "It is written, that if I stick this in just the right place it will give life".

The nun stepped back a pace and said "You're joking right?"

"No" said the priest, stepping forwards, "I speak the truth"

To which the nun replied "Good God man, what are you waiting for? Stick it in the camel and let's get out of here!"

[BusRider]

--What do you use to clean up when iPhone breaks into a bunch of pieces?

iDon't

[Buurin]

--What do you use to clean up when iPhone breaks into a bunch of pieces?

iDon't

iPhone bashing FTW!

Disclaimer: I don't like the iPhone myself either, .

[409 Thornton]

This was floating around in class the last few days, and I can't for the life of me get what it means. So I brought it here to figure it out.

Sorry if this may come off as offensive.

How many ADD kids does it take to fly a kite?...Wanna ride bikes?

[captaintrolley]

Because ADD kids (people) have a short attention span (attention deficit disorder) , so by the time you suggest flying kites they forget about that and want to do something else.

[YRT-Guy]

Cold And Flu Prevention Tips

Here are some tips to help keep you healthy and germ-free during these cold winter months:

* Sneezing into a handkerchief just redirects germs back at you. Always sneeze outward so as to shoot germs as far across the room as possible.

* Pack your sinus cavities with Vicks Vap-O-Rub to fully mentholate your respiratory system.

* Do not blow your stuffed nose into tissues—this is a myth! Always suck your phlegm into the back of your throat and swallow it in great, goblike mouthfuls.

* You don't have to subject yourself to other people's germs. If you see someone who appears to have a cold or fever, contact your local police department.

* To prevent infections, have sick people cough into your food. This light "inoculative" dose of germs will boost your body's defenses against a full-blown infection later.

* If you are a sickly, anemic, weak person, you have a higher susceptibility to colds and flu. Try not to be such a pansy-ass.

* Sometimes, a severe respiratory infection will cause the lungs to fill with fluid. If this occurs, flush your lungs repeatedly with boiling hot water to clear them. A hose down your windpipe will help get around the gag reflex.

* Make sure your HMO package covers visits to the Halls Of Medicine.

* The flu is an extremely contagious, life-threatening disease. Flu sufferers should be either shot with a silver bullet or tortured to death by a professionally shriven, church-appointed excruciator.

* To keep warm in the winter, replace your blood with mom's homemade chicken soup. Noodles should be no greater than one millimeter thick to prevent coronary blockage.

* Remember: Your body produces phlegm for a reason. Always save your mucous, and keep it near you in jars at all times.

* Germs generally enter the body through the skin. To protect you from infection, shave yours off.

* Zinc and Vitamin C help fight colds. Vitamin C can be found in oranges, but zinc is a semi-precious metal found only in Africa. If symptoms persist, organize a jungle safari to seek out the fabled Zinc Mines of Sugolahara

[D. DeLarge]

So there's this deer in Rouge Valley, and he needs to get downtown Toronto to get to a stag and doe, so he hops on a GO train and...oh wait, you've probably heard this one before.

[cmc12]

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade: "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said: "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered: "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy... any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

[captaintrolley]

Warning: Naughty accronyms ahead.....

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.!

Sincerely,

Management

[Kashiwazaki]

WARNING: A few "heavy" words ahead!

Jack is at home, when he decides to make a coffee. He then goes to the kitchen, makes the coffee, then goes looking for the sugar, but he's unable to find it!

"HEY, ROSE!!...", :angry:

"What, sh*t??",

"Where's the fu*kin' damt sugar??!",

"Huh, it's in the rice can!...",

"What, you f**king donkey, and you're puttin' the sugar on the rice can??!",

:angry: "Of course, you STUPID, don't you see this is to trick the ants!!???"

That's Fernando Rocha property...

[captaintrolley]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her

grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because

there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and

correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to

get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before

Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher

said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered

first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open

his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's

right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary

answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The

teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.

Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches

would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

[Matt Demers]

Good one!

--

Where is the worst place to open a new Wal-Mart?

Unionville in Markham Ontario! Haha?

[BusRider]

Where is the worst place to open a new Wal-Mart?

Unionville in Markham Ontario! Haha?

Ha! That's a good one.

[Buurin]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her

grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because

there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and

correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to

get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

...

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches

would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

Bravo! Poor Johnny totally strikes a chord with me!

[YRT-Guy]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

_____________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to require a great deal of system resources. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[ProchaineStation]

Good one!

--

Where is the worst place to open a new Wal-Mart?

Unionville in Markham Ontario! Haha?

hahahaha.

this had me rolling

[cmc12]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for 30 minutes, and in those 30 minutes you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but they soon ran for the bushes together. Shortly thereafter, a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches could be heard. Then, 15 minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have 15 more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said: "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

[captaintrolley]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE.

THEY MAKE SUCH PERFECT SENSE OUT OF EVERYTHING!!!

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far &

would just walk home.

On the way, he stopped at the hardware store & bought a bucket & a gallon

of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store & picked up a couple of chickens & a

goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem - how to

carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady

who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to

that house.

I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm & carry the

goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much", he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl

home.

On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut & go down this alley. We'll

be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely

widow w/out a husband to defend me.

How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against

the wall, pull up my skirt, & have your way w/me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of

paint, 2 chickens & a goose.

How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall & do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him w/the bucket, put

the paint on top of the bucket, & I'll hold the chickens ."

[captaintrolley]

THE WEDDING NIGHT

Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon -

so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mom

if Paul and Mary are up yet.

She replies - No.

Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - I don't want to hear

what you think !

Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

She replies - No.

Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - Never mind what you think !

Eat your lunch and go back to school ..

After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

His mom says - No.

He asks - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think

He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think.. I gave him my airplane glue.

[captaintrolley]

Friday in Hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca . We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway!!!!

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You gay?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Oooooooooo , Fridays are gonna be tough...

[Vekoma]

I haven't spoken to my wife in over 3 years, i don't want to interrupt her.

I'm not afraid of highest, I'm afraid of widths.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence you've tried.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, other just gargle.

The more you complain, the longer god makes you live.

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

[captaintrolley]

U.S. Condom Crisis

So the biggest (and only) condom factory in the USA burns down. The US secretary phones president Obama and tells him the news.

Obama tells him that without condoms the economy won't be able to handle the sudden growth in population and requests that a million boxes of condoms be ordered from Mexico.

The US secretary tells him that Mexico will not cooperate and suggests they order from Canada. Obama agrees, but that they must order the condoms 10 inches long and three inches thick - lest Canada loses respect for the US.

The order is placed and within the week a giant truck pulls up in front of the white house. Millions of boxes of beautiful condoms. All 10 inches long and three inches thick, just as specified....with tiny red maple leaf designs and in bold print : MADE IN CANADA SIZE MEDIUM.

[captaintrolley]

Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a

Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three

Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one

ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks

one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maori's

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats

but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around

collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket

please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket

in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after

the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save

some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris buy a single

ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy

a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed

Maori.

"Watch and learn bro ," answers a Aussie .

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and

soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby. The train

departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks

over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door

and says, "Ticket please."

[captaintrolley]

Olympic Condoms

John was all excited. His Olympic Condoms finally arrived in the mail. He shouts to his wife

" Dorothy, I feel like a winner, I'm going to wear the GOLD one tonight ! " to which she replies

"Why don't you wear the SILVER one and come second for a change?"

[George L.]

Making sandwiches

So this guys brings home his girlfriend, and they're in the mood.

They go into his small room, which he shares with his little brother who sleeps vertically from him. It's pitch dark in the room and the little one is asleep, or so they think...

They take off their clothes and begin to do it. The girl tells him "Won't we wake your little brother?"

The guy responds by coming up with different vegetable-related codewords for different positions and movements.

So they continue on, and as they do it, she starts yelling out "Lettuce, Tomatoes" and other stuff as they're going on.

Finally, when the guy is about to finish, he pulls out before getting the stuff inside.

The boy gets up, goes to them, and says "Will you guys stop making sandwiches?! You got mayonnaise all over me!"

The real joke is a lot dirtier but I toned it down and changed a lot of it as best I can for here.